I have been thinking about how we approach conflict in our marriage. Many years ago(34 to be exact) Mark and I read a book on marriage. One of the pieces of advice that stayed with us is the concept of fighting fair. By the grace of God, we read somewhere about the urgency to always have rules for fighting and never break these rules. In case some naive couple is reading this blog and thinks for a single, solitary minute that you will not need rules on fighting because you "never" fight...you already fall into a category of fighting that is deadly to a marriage. I will address that later on in this blog. The rules of fighting need to be established early on in the marriage.
Rule 1: Never, never, never say something in a fight about the other person that they cannot change. For example, I get mad at Mark and say,"I wish I had married someone with brown eyes! I hate your blue eyes and I always have." Note that I was careful to pick a ridiculous example. I do not want to say anything, even in jest, about Mark that he may feel badly about. The point is that Mark cannot change his eye color. I will put myself out there for another example. If Mark were to come back at me and imply that he wished I were taller or had longer legs or straight hair or even worse...more like so and so's wife. Long after the fight was over, I would remember that there is a quality about me that I have no control over, but that is a disappointment to Mark.
We will all get angry with our spouse. Sometimes that is the healthiest thing for our marriage. If one of the two never wants to get angry and never wants to have conflict, communication is shallow. Shallow roots are unhealthy roots. Pruning, careful pruning, will actually help things to grow. Antiquated ideas, doing exactly the same things that your parents did(that were not healthy), faulty thinking, need to be discussed. However, the patterns and habits we form in the early years will determine how productive our anger will be. Do not pull out all the stops and fire the canons. The damage may be impossible to repair once the dust settles.
Rule 2: Never leave the house during a fight. I believe this signals a "desertion" type feeling to the one left behind. This is a hard one to maintain, but vital. You may become so mad that you want to hurt the other person by leaving, even momentarily. However, the message it sends to the other person is "if things get bad enough, I will leave. Our marriage is not worth fighting for." I am not suggesting that one person may not need to walk around the house or sit outside to cool off. Just be there! Don't run away.
Rule 3: Stick to the current argument. Our tendency will be to drag up all the past history of our marriage, all the times they have disappointed us, all the tapes playing in our mind that have nothing to do with the argument. First of all, this is when it is vital that you have followed rule #1 about fighting fair in the past and rule #2 about staying put in an argument. Secondly, it is also crucial that you give your spouse the benefit of the doubt that they may not always react in the same way. Give this disagreement a fresh start and discuss the issue at hand.
Rule 4: I texted my precious daughter-in-law for advice and she mentioned that we need to validate the other person in an argument. Yes, validate! They must have wonderful qualities or you would not have married them in the first place. If need be, have a list handy of of the things you DO love and admire in your spouse. Pull it out in an argument. Assure them that even you disagree in this issue, you love the way they parent or the way they take out the trash or whatever. I can take criticism a lot easier if I knew that the other person was not slashing me to death.
Rule 5: I texted my other precious daughter-in-law and asked her for wisdom. I have two very wise daughter-in-laws! Her exact words were "Set it in your heart to forgive before the other person even says the dumb thing that they are going to say out of anger." Wow, that is powerful. You are already ready to give them grace and mercy. You are already realizing that they are a wretched sinner just like you. You are already realizing that they are not perfect, but you are not either. Powerful words.
If you have already broken all the marriage rules for fighting fair, there is still hope. STOP. ASK FORGIVENESS FROM YOUR SPOUSE. ASK GOD FOR HELP. IF YOU BELIEVE THAT GOD IS NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO HEAL YOUR MARRIAGE, WHAT GOD ARE YOU TALKING TO EVERYDAY? NOT THE SAME ONE I KNOW. GET HELP. REMEMBER I PRAY FOR MY READERS AND THAT MEANS WHOEVER YOU ARE, I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU.
Next blog is about finances in marriage...
My daughter-in-laws!!! Aren't they precious?
