Yesterday I published a blog about considering what kind of an older person you want to be. I wanted to continue in that vein of thought. As we grow older, many of us constantly look back over our life and give it a grade based on how successful we think we have been. Let's stop there for today and ponder what that really means. When I look reflect on my past, I must admit I give it an A in some areas and a failing grade in others.
For example, I have had a rich, rewarding career in teaching. I have loved so many students! They are all my favorites. I have taught mostly 8th graders. I like to think that I have laughed with them, cried with them, pushed them to think out of the box, hugged them when life was crashing all around them(everyday occurrence for an 8th grader) and tried to teach them all the life lessons that they needed to survive. Probably an A in that area. Check that off.
However, when I move to the parenting area, I tremble a little. I grade myself very harshly in that area. I look back and think of a million things I would have done differently. I would like a do-over. Maybe I should add that my sons turned out to be the most magnificent men on the planet! But deep down, I know that I can't take any credit. The Lord did that in their lives, not me.
In the area of ministry, I tend to give it a C. Mark and I have taught Sunday School for almost the entire 34 years of our married life. The problem is I have worn it like a badge of honor many times. We have been in the spotlight. We get a lot of pats on the back. I would give it a much higher grade if we had been the janitors or the coffee servers, an area where we got absolutely no recognition.
Realize that you will do that one day. Start the process now. All of us would like to look back over the years and say "that was a life well spent." Notice that your definition of success will have nothing to do with money. No one on their deathbed will be wishing they had made more money. No one. Today may be the best time to redefine your definition of success. Stay focused on what is important in life. You aren't getting any younger:)
P. S. I wrote a blog called "Ordering Your World." I talked about setting goals and priorities. Check it out.
P.S.S. I do not think my spell-checker is working. I think I am a decent speller but I do know there will be a mistake or two. Forgive!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
What kind of old person do you want to be?
(I wrote this blog 7 years ago! I never finished the series. It's time!)
This topic has been marinating in my mind for awhile. I am about to turn 57 years old in a couple of months. I don't feel old at all! But I want to determine what kind of person I want to become "one day" when I turn old:) I believe it is imperative to live in such a way now to safeguard the life I want to live when I am older.I decided to make some observations of older people that I admire. What qualities do they possess?
True confession...it was easier to think about what qualities I have observed that I do not want in my life and reverse that thinking.
Counter the idea that old age needs be a time of uselessness/retirement/atrophy. I personally hate the idea of spending your whole life serving others in a job so that you can float around on a boat and do nothing when you retire. Or walk along the beach and try new seafood recipes every night. It reeks of selfishness. No matter how good it sounds on paper, selfishness disappoints every time. Many people have told Mark and I to have a plan for working or volunteering if we stop teaching. It is tempting to dream about "when I retire." Examine your reasons for longing for retirement. Is it so you can be lazy or simply move into Plan B?
Along that line, many people allow their bodies to atrophy. I can't count how many older people say that they use to walk or they use to work out. But they see old age as an excuse to "relax" more. This is a death sentence for them. At what age is it okay to wind down? If you are keeping up with my blogs, you will see that I am adding in new exercises rather than slowing down. I made a choice(I will always struggle) to be as fit as I can be. My knee does not hurt anymore when I do Body Pump. I actually thought your knees were supposed to hurt when you got older:) I have followed a strict diet for about two weeks and lost 8 pounds. I am going to stop saying that I can't lose weight because my metabolism is slowing down. Best example I know is my husband. He is about to turn 58 this September. He is like Superman. Best shape he has ever been in his life. He refuses to get old! Check out his link at the side of my blog.
Last thing to mention on this topic. I do not, do not, do not think we are useless just because we are older. On the contrary, I did not start writing a blog until I was older and had a little wisdom under my belt. Mark and I are starting a new adventure next Sunday with our career class. I feel like I have so much to offer a younger teacher at my school. My favorite blog to read is from my college pastor, 40 years ago. I do not know how old he is now but he is literally reeking of wisdom! I want to be more useful with every passing year. As a matter of fact, what did I even offer to others in my twenties? I was a taker, more than a giver.
I hate long blogs so I will pick up this topic in the next few days. Maybe you young folks need to imagine what kind of "older"person you want to be. It will take a lot of planning and goal setting to become that person one day. It will not happen on its own.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
New Blog Topic
What kind of an older person do I want to be? Working on this new blog. Will publish first one tomorrow. I am excited about it. I am also trying to remember how I deleted the comment option. I realized I LOVE comments. I want my blog to be more of a conversation than a monologue. I will work on that, as well. Stay tuned...
Friday, June 15, 2012
Healing a Broken Heart in Marriage
Today, I am treading on dangerous water here and I realize that. Forgive me if you read this and I hurt you by my lack of understanding. I was praying this morning and seeking wisdom about what to write about(if anything). I ALWAYS want this blog to be God's words and not mine.
I imagine that my marriage blogs present some readers with confusion and even downright pain. Life is not a simple 1-2-3 fix. I wanted today's blog to be a teeny, tiny step towards healing in the heart of someone who feels no hope in their marriage.
Jonah 4:3
Jonah was furious. He lost his temper. He yelled at God, "God! I knew it—when I was back home, I knew this was going to happen! That's why I ran off to Tarshish! I knew you were sheer grace and mercy, not easily angered, rich in love, and ready at the drop of a hat to turn your plans of punishment into a program of forgiveness!
Don't you just feel a kinship with Jonah? Of course, we do! The pain that is dished out by our spouses is too much to forgive at times. Some spouses wound with the intent to kill. You must be thinking that you will not read another word of this blog if all I have to say is to forgive. Surely there must be a better way than this? But think about it...you will walk around scarred for the rest of your life if you don't start forgiving today.
It is going to take more than you've got. Acknowledge that. It is too hard. But you will never get well unless you have open heart surgery and let the blood flow. Start with a journal. Everyday, peel back a little more of the onion. Don't let up. Read my prior blog on "Grit." This will take a lot of courage and grit.
Notice that I am not saying the obvious...communicate with your spouse(even an ex-spouse). Sometimes there is just need to rehash out old issues. Admit that the past ways of comunication did not work. The conversation I am suggesting is strictly between you and God. And don't be surprised if you would rather argue with your spouse than with God. It seems easier, in a way. You can pretend with your spouse. You can't pretend with God. You have to be totally honest.
Matthew 6:14-15
"In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part.
This should be motivation enough to start the forgiveness process. In fact, start it yesterday. Do we honestly think ANYTHING is worth being cut off from God?
Matthew 18:21
At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, "Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?"
Speaks for itself. You know how the story turns out. Jesus says,"No, Peter, seven times seventy." No limit to this forgiveness thing! "But you don't know what he has done to me!" No, I don't. But God does. And his Son died on the cross for your spouse.
2 Corinthians 5:18-20
The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins.
God called us and equipped us to the ministry of reconciliation. We can't just be reconciled with our friends...anybody can do that. We must be reconciled with our enemies. We can't base it on how they will respond. That cannot be our goal. We are not the Holy Spirit to them. We can pray that God will speak to their hearts. But our words cannot bring healing to them. Only prayer can bring the healing that they need. Only God can bring the healing we desperately need.
I will be in prayer for anyone who reads this blog today. I am asking God that he will give you all the strength you need to become whole again.
I imagine that my marriage blogs present some readers with confusion and even downright pain. Life is not a simple 1-2-3 fix. I wanted today's blog to be a teeny, tiny step towards healing in the heart of someone who feels no hope in their marriage.
Jonah 4:3
Jonah was furious. He lost his temper. He yelled at God, "God! I knew it—when I was back home, I knew this was going to happen! That's why I ran off to Tarshish! I knew you were sheer grace and mercy, not easily angered, rich in love, and ready at the drop of a hat to turn your plans of punishment into a program of forgiveness!
Don't you just feel a kinship with Jonah? Of course, we do! The pain that is dished out by our spouses is too much to forgive at times. Some spouses wound with the intent to kill. You must be thinking that you will not read another word of this blog if all I have to say is to forgive. Surely there must be a better way than this? But think about it...you will walk around scarred for the rest of your life if you don't start forgiving today.
It is going to take more than you've got. Acknowledge that. It is too hard. But you will never get well unless you have open heart surgery and let the blood flow. Start with a journal. Everyday, peel back a little more of the onion. Don't let up. Read my prior blog on "Grit." This will take a lot of courage and grit.
Notice that I am not saying the obvious...communicate with your spouse(even an ex-spouse). Sometimes there is just need to rehash out old issues. Admit that the past ways of comunication did not work. The conversation I am suggesting is strictly between you and God. And don't be surprised if you would rather argue with your spouse than with God. It seems easier, in a way. You can pretend with your spouse. You can't pretend with God. You have to be totally honest.
Matthew 6:14-15
"In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can't get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others. If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God's part.
This should be motivation enough to start the forgiveness process. In fact, start it yesterday. Do we honestly think ANYTHING is worth being cut off from God?
Matthew 18:21
At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, "Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?"
Speaks for itself. You know how the story turns out. Jesus says,"No, Peter, seven times seventy." No limit to this forgiveness thing! "But you don't know what he has done to me!" No, I don't. But God does. And his Son died on the cross for your spouse.
2 Corinthians 5:18-20
The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins.
God called us and equipped us to the ministry of reconciliation. We can't just be reconciled with our friends...anybody can do that. We must be reconciled with our enemies. We can't base it on how they will respond. That cannot be our goal. We are not the Holy Spirit to them. We can pray that God will speak to their hearts. But our words cannot bring healing to them. Only prayer can bring the healing that they need. Only God can bring the healing we desperately need.
I will be in prayer for anyone who reads this blog today. I am asking God that he will give you all the strength you need to become whole again.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Sexual Issues in Marriage
Yesterday's blog dealt with one of the top five reasons for divorce...finances. The other reoccurring reason was issues with sexual issues/infidelity. Hot topics. I searched through my blogs to see what I had already written on this issue. I could not find a blog labeled "sex." Then I realized it had been more aptly named, "trust."
"Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it." (Proverbs 31:11) I would advice you to read that blog, if you have not already done so. I will only add to that, things I have not already written. Look at this way. No one will know if you are reading a blog entitled "Sex." I have no idea that anyone even reads my blog, much less who reads them. Here is a chance to listen to a real live married person talk about sex!
Another thing to point out here.Obviously, Mark and I are not Romeo and Juliet. But the cool thing is this...we personally know the one who created sex in the first place. We talk to him on a daily basis. I pray before these blogs that God will direct my words. So that is why I would EVER stick my neck out and talk about such an explosive topic.
That being said, here goes.
I. I once again texted my daughter-in-laws and asked them to contribute their advice. They basically said "Pat, I am going to sit this one out!" See, I told you that I have very wise daughter-in-laws:) However, they stressed good communication at all times. I would argue that logic against any book on the market! Beginning way before the marriage vows are spoken, communicate about your expectations. Don't assume the other partner understands what you think sex will be like. Verbalize your feelings. Then once you are married and the blinders come off, you will need to continue to open up to each and communicate what is going on in your mind. Don't wait 6 months and then explode in frustration and accuse each other of failing to be the marriage partner you expected.
For example, the husband may be shocked when he realizes that his wife is not on the same planet when it comes to sex. I love, love, love the book Men Are Like Waffles Women Are Like Spaghetti. It was an epiphany when I realized that Mark lived in one box at a time while all of my thoughts stayed intertwined. Mark patiently explained to me that sex was simply a bigger box than the others. Continuing to talk, with a sense of humor when needed, will help work through many sexual issues. Please remember Rule #1. Always fight fair...especially in this tender area.
II. 1 Corinthians 6:16-18
There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one."
Argue if you want, but I believe that any release of the sexual drive outside of your marriage partner is also outside of God's will. The reasoning behind other forms of sexual satisfaction seem to warrant permission for "self-satisfaction," looking at pornography or even adultery. But to indulge in "sex that avoids commitment and intimacy" is heading down a slippery slope with consequences that could scar for life. One consequence is that you become "lonely than ever, never becoming one." I have mentioned in my blogs before how I love the verse in Romans 12:2 where it states "Do not be conformed to this world." The world seeks intimacy in the exact ways that bring nothing but loneliness. Good reason to take notice of what the world is doing and run in the opposite direction in the area of sex.
III. 1 Corinthians 7:2-6
It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.
Marriage IS strong enough to contain sexual drives, no matter what the situation. God is promising that. He is not promising that it will be instant understanding and intimacy. There will certainly be seasons when things will be a struggle in this area. Babies zap the life out of you and take away the spontaneity you may have enjoyed previously. Illness, job loss, death of close friend or family member, and even aging itself. I love the end of this verse, "Marriage is not a place to stand up for your rights." That applies to both husbands and wives. This is the place where you "decide to serve the other." You decide. Sex is not always about how you feel. Is it okay if I say out loud that I do not always desire to have sex with Mark, even if he is a sexy stud:) But I always, always want to make Mark happy because I am committed to him.
To close this blog, I want to add that there are hundred of books that offer advice on sexual issues that arise in marriage. Be cautious. Every author is not giving you sound advice. Compare their advice to God's Word and make sure that there are no inconsistencies. Seek godly counsel from older adults you can trust. Persevere in this area until you know that you and your spouse are becoming more intimate with each passing year.
"Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it." (Proverbs 31:11) I would advice you to read that blog, if you have not already done so. I will only add to that, things I have not already written. Look at this way. No one will know if you are reading a blog entitled "Sex." I have no idea that anyone even reads my blog, much less who reads them. Here is a chance to listen to a real live married person talk about sex!
Another thing to point out here.Obviously, Mark and I are not Romeo and Juliet. But the cool thing is this...we personally know the one who created sex in the first place. We talk to him on a daily basis. I pray before these blogs that God will direct my words. So that is why I would EVER stick my neck out and talk about such an explosive topic.
That being said, here goes.
I. I once again texted my daughter-in-laws and asked them to contribute their advice. They basically said "Pat, I am going to sit this one out!" See, I told you that I have very wise daughter-in-laws:) However, they stressed good communication at all times. I would argue that logic against any book on the market! Beginning way before the marriage vows are spoken, communicate about your expectations. Don't assume the other partner understands what you think sex will be like. Verbalize your feelings. Then once you are married and the blinders come off, you will need to continue to open up to each and communicate what is going on in your mind. Don't wait 6 months and then explode in frustration and accuse each other of failing to be the marriage partner you expected.
For example, the husband may be shocked when he realizes that his wife is not on the same planet when it comes to sex. I love, love, love the book Men Are Like Waffles Women Are Like Spaghetti. It was an epiphany when I realized that Mark lived in one box at a time while all of my thoughts stayed intertwined. Mark patiently explained to me that sex was simply a bigger box than the others. Continuing to talk, with a sense of humor when needed, will help work through many sexual issues. Please remember Rule #1. Always fight fair...especially in this tender area.
II. 1 Corinthians 6:16-18
There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one."
Argue if you want, but I believe that any release of the sexual drive outside of your marriage partner is also outside of God's will. The reasoning behind other forms of sexual satisfaction seem to warrant permission for "self-satisfaction," looking at pornography or even adultery. But to indulge in "sex that avoids commitment and intimacy" is heading down a slippery slope with consequences that could scar for life. One consequence is that you become "lonely than ever, never becoming one." I have mentioned in my blogs before how I love the verse in Romans 12:2 where it states "Do not be conformed to this world." The world seeks intimacy in the exact ways that bring nothing but loneliness. Good reason to take notice of what the world is doing and run in the opposite direction in the area of sex.
III. 1 Corinthians 7:2-6
It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.
Marriage IS strong enough to contain sexual drives, no matter what the situation. God is promising that. He is not promising that it will be instant understanding and intimacy. There will certainly be seasons when things will be a struggle in this area. Babies zap the life out of you and take away the spontaneity you may have enjoyed previously. Illness, job loss, death of close friend or family member, and even aging itself. I love the end of this verse, "Marriage is not a place to stand up for your rights." That applies to both husbands and wives. This is the place where you "decide to serve the other." You decide. Sex is not always about how you feel. Is it okay if I say out loud that I do not always desire to have sex with Mark, even if he is a sexy stud:) But I always, always want to make Mark happy because I am committed to him.
To close this blog, I want to add that there are hundred of books that offer advice on sexual issues that arise in marriage. Be cautious. Every author is not giving you sound advice. Compare their advice to God's Word and make sure that there are no inconsistencies. Seek godly counsel from older adults you can trust. Persevere in this area until you know that you and your spouse are becoming more intimate with each passing year.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Money issues in marriage
I have already written about handling finances in a previous blog. However, it is such a potentially divisive issue in marriage and therefore needs to be revisited. I googled the term, "reasons for divorce." Every article included money as one of the top ten reasons, if not the top reason. Obviously a dollar bill or a plastic card has no power over a relationship. The attitude towards the dollar bill or the card is what causes problem. It will be well worth the time to investigate what is the correct approach to money in the marriage relationship.
Mark and I were so poor in our early marriage. This is absolutely the best way to start a marriage, hands down. There was so little money to argue about:) I thank God for allowing us to begin our adventure together with outright poverty. He was testing us about our attitude towards money from the beginning to see how faithful we would be in small amounts before he decided to give us larger amounts. Since we are not actually wealthy today, you can tell we did not pass with flying colors!!!
There are some verses in Proverbs that describe what our goals were:
Psalm 112(1-9)How joyful are those who fear the Lord
and delight in obeying his commands.
2 Their children will be successful everywhere;
an entire generation of godly people will be blessed.
3 They themselves will be wealthy,
and their good deeds will last forever.
4 Light shines in the darkness for the godly.
They are generous, compassionate, and righteous.
5 Good comes to those who lend money generously
and conduct their business fairly.
6 Such people will not be overcome by evil.
Those who are righteous will be long remembered.
7 They do not fear bad news;
they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.
8 They are confident and fearless
and can face their foes triumphantly.
9 They share freely and give generously to those in need.
Their good deeds will be remembered forever.
They will have influence and honor.
I must have read that passage a 100 times! I wanted Mark and I to be generous. I did start out with a definite advantage. I realize that I had this advantage and so I need to share this little secret. My 85 year old dad is the real deal. He reads his Bible through every year. He prays without ceasing. My memories of him growing up was to see him on his knees praying next to his recliner. He gives way over the minimum 10% of his income. He is generous to a fault with his money. How would you like to have that kind of father? I was a blessed woman. Needless to say, I grew up with a healthy perspective on who was in charge of the money in our house. God was the owner. My dad was just the steward of that money.
Because I had that kind of parenting, my goals were high for a godly husband. I cared more about the kind of person that I would marry than the earning potential of the man I wanted to marry. Please understand that it took years to develop this attitude. I did not come out of the womb with the right attitude. That is the redeeming work of Christ in my life that gave me this attitude. Enter Mark Cooper into my life. He was a new Christian. He was following the Lord in every area of his life, ups and downs...but mostly ups. He was committed to God's view of money, not man's view. Because of his leadership, we have always tithed to the church we were a part of. Giving 10% back to God releases the grip that money can have. Understand at the beginning of your marriage who is in charge of the money. Not you or your husband. God is in charge. Don't go a step farther in reading the rest of this article until that issue is settled. The rest of it doesn't matter if you are still debating over whether you or your spouse is in charge.
Another verse that was influencial to Mark and I was found in Proverbs 10:4. "Sloth makes you poor; diligence brings wealth." I had to settle in my mind that it was not fair for me to be a sloth and Mark to bear the burden of earning the money and making the budget work. This is not saying that all wives should work outside the home. Whether the wife contributes to the budget is not the issue. The issue is whether the wife supports the budget. Whether in poverty or in wealth, sloth was not an option. Diligence was the non-negotiable. As the wife, I tried to be diligent in my role of staying with the budget, working outside the home when it was necessary and not being bitter about it, not asking for things that we could not afford and not making Mark feel bad about not providing those things. Obviously good communication is required. Non-stop communication. No secrets being kept from each other.
I think people get divorces, due to finances, because of this reason: In Proverbs 21:20, it states,
I must add these last verses found in 1 Timothy 6:17-19.
"Tell those rich in this world's wealth to quit being so full of themselves and so obsessed with money, which is here today and gone tomorrow. Tell them to go after God, who piles on all the riches we could ever manage—to do good, to be rich in helping others, to be extravagantly generous. If they do that, they'll build a treasury that will last, gaining life that is truly life."
You will find it hard to divorce because of finances if both of you have that attitude.
Mark and I were so poor in our early marriage. This is absolutely the best way to start a marriage, hands down. There was so little money to argue about:) I thank God for allowing us to begin our adventure together with outright poverty. He was testing us about our attitude towards money from the beginning to see how faithful we would be in small amounts before he decided to give us larger amounts. Since we are not actually wealthy today, you can tell we did not pass with flying colors!!!
There are some verses in Proverbs that describe what our goals were:
Psalm 112(1-9)How joyful are those who fear the Lord
and delight in obeying his commands.
2 Their children will be successful everywhere;
an entire generation of godly people will be blessed.
3 They themselves will be wealthy,
and their good deeds will last forever.
4 Light shines in the darkness for the godly.
They are generous, compassionate, and righteous.
5 Good comes to those who lend money generously
and conduct their business fairly.
6 Such people will not be overcome by evil.
Those who are righteous will be long remembered.
7 They do not fear bad news;
they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.
8 They are confident and fearless
and can face their foes triumphantly.
9 They share freely and give generously to those in need.
Their good deeds will be remembered forever.
They will have influence and honor.
I must have read that passage a 100 times! I wanted Mark and I to be generous. I did start out with a definite advantage. I realize that I had this advantage and so I need to share this little secret. My 85 year old dad is the real deal. He reads his Bible through every year. He prays without ceasing. My memories of him growing up was to see him on his knees praying next to his recliner. He gives way over the minimum 10% of his income. He is generous to a fault with his money. How would you like to have that kind of father? I was a blessed woman. Needless to say, I grew up with a healthy perspective on who was in charge of the money in our house. God was the owner. My dad was just the steward of that money.
Because I had that kind of parenting, my goals were high for a godly husband. I cared more about the kind of person that I would marry than the earning potential of the man I wanted to marry. Please understand that it took years to develop this attitude. I did not come out of the womb with the right attitude. That is the redeeming work of Christ in my life that gave me this attitude. Enter Mark Cooper into my life. He was a new Christian. He was following the Lord in every area of his life, ups and downs...but mostly ups. He was committed to God's view of money, not man's view. Because of his leadership, we have always tithed to the church we were a part of. Giving 10% back to God releases the grip that money can have. Understand at the beginning of your marriage who is in charge of the money. Not you or your husband. God is in charge. Don't go a step farther in reading the rest of this article until that issue is settled. The rest of it doesn't matter if you are still debating over whether you or your spouse is in charge.
Another verse that was influencial to Mark and I was found in Proverbs 10:4. "Sloth makes you poor; diligence brings wealth." I had to settle in my mind that it was not fair for me to be a sloth and Mark to bear the burden of earning the money and making the budget work. This is not saying that all wives should work outside the home. Whether the wife contributes to the budget is not the issue. The issue is whether the wife supports the budget. Whether in poverty or in wealth, sloth was not an option. Diligence was the non-negotiable. As the wife, I tried to be diligent in my role of staying with the budget, working outside the home when it was necessary and not being bitter about it, not asking for things that we could not afford and not making Mark feel bad about not providing those things. Obviously good communication is required. Non-stop communication. No secrets being kept from each other.
I think people get divorces, due to finances, because of this reason: In Proverbs 21:20, it states,
"but fools spend whatever they get." That describes a lot of marriages, unfortunately. Does that describe yours? Be honest. Be confrontive. Get down on your knees right now and confess your love of money, not your spouse's. Ask God to reveal that same thing to your spouse.
I must add these last verses found in 1 Timothy 6:17-19.
"Tell those rich in this world's wealth to quit being so full of themselves and so obsessed with money, which is here today and gone tomorrow. Tell them to go after God, who piles on all the riches we could ever manage—to do good, to be rich in helping others, to be extravagantly generous. If they do that, they'll build a treasury that will last, gaining life that is truly life."
You will find it hard to divorce because of finances if both of you have that attitude.
.
Monday, June 11, 2012
handling conflict in marriage
Mark and I have been asked by several couples to "mentor" them during their dating/engagement relationship. We are honored and yet do not feel qualified. So, of course, we bought some books and are trying to discern what is helpful advice and what is merely our opinion. If you don't mind, I want to share some of the things we have found to be helpful. You can read your own books. However, many of us "already married" couples need a refresher course. There is no particular order to these blogs, as far as importance. They are all vital to a healthy, growing marriage.
I have been thinking about how we approach conflict in our marriage. Many years ago(34 to be exact) Mark and I read a book on marriage. One of the pieces of advice that stayed with us is the concept of fighting fair. By the grace of God, we read somewhere about the urgency to always have rules for fighting and never break these rules. In case some naive couple is reading this blog and thinks for a single, solitary minute that you will not need rules on fighting because you "never" fight...you already fall into a category of fighting that is deadly to a marriage. I will address that later on in this blog. The rules of fighting need to be established early on in the marriage.
Rule 1: Never, never, never say something in a fight about the other person that they cannot change. For example, I get mad at Mark and say,"I wish I had married someone with brown eyes! I hate your blue eyes and I always have." Note that I was careful to pick a ridiculous example. I do not want to say anything, even in jest, about Mark that he may feel badly about. The point is that Mark cannot change his eye color. I will put myself out there for another example. If Mark were to come back at me and imply that he wished I were taller or had longer legs or straight hair or even worse...more like so and so's wife. Long after the fight was over, I would remember that there is a quality about me that I have no control over, but that is a disappointment to Mark.
We will all get angry with our spouse. Sometimes that is the healthiest thing for our marriage. If one of the two never wants to get angry and never wants to have conflict, communication is shallow. Shallow roots are unhealthy roots. Pruning, careful pruning, will actually help things to grow. Antiquated ideas, doing exactly the same things that your parents did(that were not healthy), faulty thinking, need to be discussed. However, the patterns and habits we form in the early years will determine how productive our anger will be. Do not pull out all the stops and fire the canons. The damage may be impossible to repair once the dust settles.
Rule 2: Never leave the house during a fight. I believe this signals a "desertion" type feeling to the one left behind. This is a hard one to maintain, but vital. You may become so mad that you want to hurt the other person by leaving, even momentarily. However, the message it sends to the other person is "if things get bad enough, I will leave. Our marriage is not worth fighting for." I am not suggesting that one person may not need to walk around the house or sit outside to cool off. Just be there! Don't run away.
Rule 3: Stick to the current argument. Our tendency will be to drag up all the past history of our marriage, all the times they have disappointed us, all the tapes playing in our mind that have nothing to do with the argument. First of all, this is when it is vital that you have followed rule #1 about fighting fair in the past and rule #2 about staying put in an argument. Secondly, it is also crucial that you give your spouse the benefit of the doubt that they may not always react in the same way. Give this disagreement a fresh start and discuss the issue at hand.
Rule 4: I texted my precious daughter-in-law for advice and she mentioned that we need to validate the other person in an argument. Yes, validate! They must have wonderful qualities or you would not have married them in the first place. If need be, have a list handy of of the things you DO love and admire in your spouse. Pull it out in an argument. Assure them that even you disagree in this issue, you love the way they parent or the way they take out the trash or whatever. I can take criticism a lot easier if I knew that the other person was not slashing me to death.
Rule 5: I texted my other precious daughter-in-law and asked her for wisdom. I have two very wise daughter-in-laws! Her exact words were "Set it in your heart to forgive before the other person even says the dumb thing that they are going to say out of anger." Wow, that is powerful. You are already ready to give them grace and mercy. You are already realizing that they are a wretched sinner just like you. You are already realizing that they are not perfect, but you are not either. Powerful words.
If you have already broken all the marriage rules for fighting fair, there is still hope. STOP. ASK FORGIVENESS FROM YOUR SPOUSE. ASK GOD FOR HELP. IF YOU BELIEVE THAT GOD IS NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO HEAL YOUR MARRIAGE, WHAT GOD ARE YOU TALKING TO EVERYDAY? NOT THE SAME ONE I KNOW. GET HELP. REMEMBER I PRAY FOR MY READERS AND THAT MEANS WHOEVER YOU ARE, I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU.
Next blog is about finances in marriage...
My daughter-in-laws!!! Aren't they precious?
I have been thinking about how we approach conflict in our marriage. Many years ago(34 to be exact) Mark and I read a book on marriage. One of the pieces of advice that stayed with us is the concept of fighting fair. By the grace of God, we read somewhere about the urgency to always have rules for fighting and never break these rules. In case some naive couple is reading this blog and thinks for a single, solitary minute that you will not need rules on fighting because you "never" fight...you already fall into a category of fighting that is deadly to a marriage. I will address that later on in this blog. The rules of fighting need to be established early on in the marriage.
Rule 1: Never, never, never say something in a fight about the other person that they cannot change. For example, I get mad at Mark and say,"I wish I had married someone with brown eyes! I hate your blue eyes and I always have." Note that I was careful to pick a ridiculous example. I do not want to say anything, even in jest, about Mark that he may feel badly about. The point is that Mark cannot change his eye color. I will put myself out there for another example. If Mark were to come back at me and imply that he wished I were taller or had longer legs or straight hair or even worse...more like so and so's wife. Long after the fight was over, I would remember that there is a quality about me that I have no control over, but that is a disappointment to Mark.
We will all get angry with our spouse. Sometimes that is the healthiest thing for our marriage. If one of the two never wants to get angry and never wants to have conflict, communication is shallow. Shallow roots are unhealthy roots. Pruning, careful pruning, will actually help things to grow. Antiquated ideas, doing exactly the same things that your parents did(that were not healthy), faulty thinking, need to be discussed. However, the patterns and habits we form in the early years will determine how productive our anger will be. Do not pull out all the stops and fire the canons. The damage may be impossible to repair once the dust settles.
Rule 2: Never leave the house during a fight. I believe this signals a "desertion" type feeling to the one left behind. This is a hard one to maintain, but vital. You may become so mad that you want to hurt the other person by leaving, even momentarily. However, the message it sends to the other person is "if things get bad enough, I will leave. Our marriage is not worth fighting for." I am not suggesting that one person may not need to walk around the house or sit outside to cool off. Just be there! Don't run away.
Rule 3: Stick to the current argument. Our tendency will be to drag up all the past history of our marriage, all the times they have disappointed us, all the tapes playing in our mind that have nothing to do with the argument. First of all, this is when it is vital that you have followed rule #1 about fighting fair in the past and rule #2 about staying put in an argument. Secondly, it is also crucial that you give your spouse the benefit of the doubt that they may not always react in the same way. Give this disagreement a fresh start and discuss the issue at hand.
Rule 4: I texted my precious daughter-in-law for advice and she mentioned that we need to validate the other person in an argument. Yes, validate! They must have wonderful qualities or you would not have married them in the first place. If need be, have a list handy of of the things you DO love and admire in your spouse. Pull it out in an argument. Assure them that even you disagree in this issue, you love the way they parent or the way they take out the trash or whatever. I can take criticism a lot easier if I knew that the other person was not slashing me to death.
Rule 5: I texted my other precious daughter-in-law and asked her for wisdom. I have two very wise daughter-in-laws! Her exact words were "Set it in your heart to forgive before the other person even says the dumb thing that they are going to say out of anger." Wow, that is powerful. You are already ready to give them grace and mercy. You are already realizing that they are a wretched sinner just like you. You are already realizing that they are not perfect, but you are not either. Powerful words.
If you have already broken all the marriage rules for fighting fair, there is still hope. STOP. ASK FORGIVENESS FROM YOUR SPOUSE. ASK GOD FOR HELP. IF YOU BELIEVE THAT GOD IS NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO HEAL YOUR MARRIAGE, WHAT GOD ARE YOU TALKING TO EVERYDAY? NOT THE SAME ONE I KNOW. GET HELP. REMEMBER I PRAY FOR MY READERS AND THAT MEANS WHOEVER YOU ARE, I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU.
Next blog is about finances in marriage...
My daughter-in-laws!!! Aren't they precious?
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