Wait on the New Growth When You Prune

“They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green,”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭92:14‬ ‭NIV‬‬

After years of Mark pruning our bushes, I finally convinced him that we needed to hire a professional to tackle our front yard. This was a big deal! Mark had a landscape business for many years, with upwards of 32 or more yards to care for, in addition to his teaching job. He cut their grass and pruned their bushes, year in and year out. He did an excellent job. 

But when it came to our yard, our bushes did not get pruned enough, in my humble opinion(and a great friend James Myers’ opinion. James, thank you for agreeing with me). When they were pruned, Mark was reluctant to cut off a lot of growth. It came to the point where the bushes were out of control. 

When the landscaping company came to prune, he agreed that 30-50% of the bushes needed to be removed. He assured me that by May, we will see new growth. Oh my goodness...our front yard is filled with dead bushes! There is no green on the bushes. We can see our windows now but no beautiful landscaping. It looks like a bunch of dead bushes!!! I am seconding guessing my bold decision to take off such a dramatic amount of growth. I am in the scary period of time where I have to water and wait to see if the bushes become green again.

Maybe there are some similarities in my life right now. I recently retired after 40 years of teaching, some part time but mostly full time. I have struggled to accept the shocking emptiness of my schedule. It looks so bare. I’m positive that I made the right decision, just as I’m positive that our bushes needed dramatic removal of branches. Most of my life, I was doing way too many things, way overgrown like my bushes, but I was too scared to cut out anything. They all seemed like good things. 

Even now, I am tempted to add a lot of meaningless things to fill up my day again. But mostly I am waiting on new growth. I’m simply watering and waiting on the Lord to show me where He can use me now. I’m watering by spending a lot more time praying and listening. It makes me smile to hear him say, “Just sit with me, Pat. You don’t have to do a single thing to earn my love. Quit trying. Just sit here with me.”

I am absolutely clinging to this verse! “They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green.” A perfect example of this is my precious dad. He went to be with the Lord about a year and a half ago at age 90. He became fresher and greener in his last years. I want to be like that. I want to end strong. Sweetness. 

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Trouble Brings Joy

“My brothers and sisters, you will have many kinds of trouble. But this gives you a reason to be very happy.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1:2‬ ‭ERV‬‬

Why does trouble make you happy?

“You know that when your faith is tested, you learn to be patient in suffering. If you let that patience work in you, the end result will be good. You will be mature and complete. You will be all that God wants you to be.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1:3-4‬ ‭ERV‬‬

The enemy shows a counterfeit to joy and happiness. He shows relationships that are going perfect, promotions in jobs, wealth, beautiful houses, free time to watch TV, lots of food, perfect health, ... you name it. The enemy says that these things provide joy and happiness. Then he flips things around and interprets suffering in the wrong way.

Satan lies and says that suffering means that God is not able to provide all that you need. He says that broken marriages, rebellious children, financial hardship, health problems are symptoms that God is not big enough and kind enough and does not love you enough to take care of your troubles.

He started those lies with Eve and she fell for it. He tried the same lies with Jesus and Jesus quoted the word and the devil fled!

“If I had not found joy in your teachings, my suffering would have destroyed me.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭119:92‬ ‭ERV‬‬

What a powerful truth! We need an arsenal of scripture to quote and claim when troubles come and they will. If I want to be all that God wants me to be, I need suffering in my life. As paradoxical as that may be, the way to grow in the Lord is to allow suffering in our life and dig in deep with it. If I say that I want to be like Christ, point my eyes in the right direction.

We must never stop looking to Jesus. He is the leader of our faith, and he is the one who makes our faith complete. He suffered death on a cross. But he accepted the shame of the cross as if it were nothing because of the joy he could see waiting for him. And now he is sitting at the right side of God’s throne.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭ERV‬‬

Every time we pray, picture Jesus at the right hand of God’s throne and thank him for paying the price it took him to get there. He counted it joy! Let us count our suffering as joy to get us where we want to be.

Myth of Perfection

“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” Brene’ Brown

I have been reading some books by Brene’ Brown and this quote has stopped me in my tracks. How many times do we try to be perfect so that we “can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” In our Christian life, are we needlessly trying to be perfect in order to please God’s favor? Do we feel like we could earn God’s love? Do we continue to bury the feelings of shame of the sins in our past so that God will view us as perfect?

“As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.”

‭‭Psalm‬ ‭103:13-14‬ ‭NIV‬‬

What a promise in this verse! God knows how we are formed. We are made of stinking dust! He knows our frailties too well. We can’t hide our imperfections from our creator. No matter how hard we try, we can’t hide the past mistakes that we are ashamed of. But that is the point and the victory in this verse,

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

None! Absolutely no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. We are wasting our time and effort to run from our imperfections. It is impossible to run from them because there is a delete button.

“And he has taken our sins as far away from us as the east is from the west.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭103:12‬ ‭ERV‬‬

We can’t comprehend how far the east is from the west. No way to measure this. God is trying to tell us that he does not see us with our past sin sitting in front of our face. He sees Jesus standing in front of our face, as the covering for past and present and future sins. He literally covers our imperfections! Highest praise to Jesus!

“fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

There is No Growth Without Change

There is no growth without change; there is no change without fear or loss; and there is no loss without pain. We fear these losses, even if our old ways were self-defeating, because, like a worn out pair of shoes, they were at least comfortable and familiar.

Every change involves a loss of some kind: You must let go of old ways in order to experience the new. ~Rick Warren

I love this devotional by Rick Warren. Pair of old shoes. Yep those shoes are comfortable and familiar. After 40.5 years of marriage, our marriage was comfortable. But God asked us to grow, to change, maybe lose some habits. Ouch! No, Lord, I’m comfortable. But we jumped out of our comfort and went to a marriage retreat. I have written several blogs about the sessions. But the telling part was what would we be willing to do to actually change?

I absolutely love this small detail that we have changed. The speakers, Les and Leslie Parrot, called this, “sharing withhold. “ I told Mark we were going to rename it because I can’t ever remember what it’s called. I am going to call it the two positives and 1 negative. At least once a week, we have done this and it is a game changer. I love it! It seems so small and insignificant. But isn’t that the way change often happens...beginning with a small thing?Bad or good change?

The reason it’s called “withhold” is because we “hold onto” a negative feeling about something that happened. There is power in holding onto that thought. It grows and grows and becomes larger than life. We will remember this action or the words that our spouse said and festers like a infection that does not get air or any way to get healing. 

By the same way, sometimes we hold onto a compliment that we noticed about our spouse and we keep it inside because they are not worthy of our praise. Oh my goodness, the compliment may have been the breath of life that our spouse needed to hear.

So here is how it goes...at least once a week one of us say, “How about two positives and one negative?” One goes first and says one positive, one negative and end with a positive. The negative can get sandwiched in the two positives. Here is the wonderful part, our spouse can only say “thank you” for all comments. If they have something else to say, they must wait thirty minutes to address any of the comments. You can guess, after 30 minutes, it will rare to even remember the negative.

This simple act is like a fresh rain on our marriage. It washes away the infection that had been hiding under a rock, waiting for an opportunity to bring it up in the worst way and the worst time. Cool thing, your spouse can not justify the negative for 30 minutes. We love to justify, don’t we? But this exercise gives us time to think about why our spouse said this...why this was important enough for our spouse to mention it. If we are wise enough to be quiet for 30 minutes and think about what they said, miracles may happen that we did not anticipate. Love this tiny change in our marriage that will help us grow our marriage for the next 40 years. I love you, Mark Cooper(aka Superman). 

Jesus Can Heal Anybody

At a marriage conference I went to last weekend, Michael Todd, pastor of Transformation Church in Tulsa, OK, was the keynote speaker. John 9:1-3 was the topic.

“As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

There is so much truth wrapped up in this story that I have missed most of my life. The disciples were analyzing the man’s problem. He had been blind from birth so obviously he did nothing wrong to earn this blindness. It must have been his parent’s sin. To have been born blind seemed like a punishment for something. However, Jesus says, “This happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

Are there times in your life, maybe even your marriage, that you try to decide why are you being punished? You may think that perhaps your problem in marriage is caused by your sinful choices and that may very well be true. Maybe you put the blame on someone else like your parents got a divorce and so you did not have a good example. Or you just blamed it on your spouse. They never changed and you counted on them to become more mature or less selfish. Plenty of blame to go around.

Once we pull this story away from being about blindness, we may relate to it in a different way. There was a huge problem and the disciples wanted to place blame on someone or something. Once we place blame, we try to make plans on how to solve that problem.

But now we can hear what Jesus says in a different light.

Jesus says, “This happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” 

Wow! Maybe the punishment is not a punishment at all but a way to provide a platform for Jesus to be amazing, transforming, and miraculous. Pause for a minute and read that again. This crisis that you are going through may not be punishment for what you or someone did. Maybe this can be viewed as a way to open our eyes up to “see the works of God displayed in our life.” Our eyes are temporarily blind to God’s power. But they can be opened.

Okay, here is the good part.

“After saying this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes.” Verse 6

(The speaker brought this to life. He actually took dirt and spit in the dirt and put it on a guy’s eyes. Literally!)

What does this make you think about? How would you feel if the doctor told you that the cure for your problem was some dirt? What if he put some dirt in his hands and literally spit in his hands? I know you would have his license taken away. 😄😄😄

On the other hand, what if you had terminal cancer and this really was the cure? You would do anything. When Jesus took dirt from the ground and used his own saliva, that guy could have heard the spit with those blind eyes. (We heard it from the audience.) Other people in the Bible received their sight with a spoken word. Jesus used a really messy treatment...dirt and spit.

Brings us to a question...how bad do you want your problem cured? Is it worth getting really messy and embarrassed? If it is not a simple fix, do we decline the offer to have our sight restored and our marriage restored? If it involves hard and messy work, do we say ,”Never mind. I would rather keep my blindness.”

Go,” he told him, “wash in the Pool of Siloam” (this word means “Sent”). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.”

‭‭John‬ ‭9:1-3, 6-7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Notice that Jesus did not walk him to the pool to wash off his eyes. I bet it was a moment or two of total silence when the guy had to find his way to the pool. The speaker made a great point here. When God is silent, it’s like the teacher of a class and we are taking a math test. It is total silence in the room. God is waiting on us to be obedient to what he told us to do.

This blind guy got released! Jesus did not see the guy as the “blind guy.” He saw him as a guy who had the potential to see. He doesn’t see our marriages as too far gone. He sees us as two people who could receive release from our blindness. And he would get all the glory because the impossible just happened!

Know Your Spouse’s Worth to Christ

“Just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭5:25-27‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I believe that we will not ever fully understand how much Christ loves us. We have no clue. The minute we step into his presence, we will drop to our knees and be overwhelmed with the way Christ loves us and tenderly cares for us.  Notice that Jesus cleansed us and presented us as radiant, without stain or wrinkle.  Your spouse has that same worth.

How does God criticize us? Notice from these verses that Jesus does not get in our face and ridicule us and scream at us and make fun of us. He washed us with kindness. That’s how we should confront our spouse.

This was one of the biggest statements that stopped us in our tracks at the marriage conference that we attended last weekend. The way Jesus reacts when we are wrong. He never walks up to us and berates us. He never gets annoyed. He doesn’t talk about us in a negative way. He does not give us the silent treatment. He does not leave the house and stay gone to punish us.

I love that Jimmy Evans talked about the difference in the gardener mentality verses the consumer reality. The gardener sees a sick tree and tries to love it back to health. The consumer mentality sees a sick tree and takes it back for a better, more healthy one. Again how does Jesus see our worth? That’s how we should see our spouse.

The other illustration is the renter and the owner mentality. The renter has foundations problems. There is no way the renter would stay and fix that costly problem. The owner will stay and fix it no matter what the cost.  When we encounter a costly problem in our marriage, will we have a renter or owner mentality? People who are more likely divorce, according to statistics, do not have a strong work ethic and do not desire to stay and fix the problem.

Mark and I want to treat each other like Christ loved the church and knows it’s worth. Next time Mark gets me mad or annoyed, I pray that I react like Jesus treats me...with encouragement and underserved love. Next time I use up too much data accidentally or run into new garage door without opening it(how did that happened?). Mark, remember you are a gardener and not a consumer. You’ve had me too long and you can’t take me back.😊

Unpack Your Past

Mark and I heard some of the best speakers this past weekend at a marriage retreat. One of the most insightful talks was given by Tim Ross, Senior pastor at Embassy City Church. He talked about the baggage that we bring into our marriage. Baggage is not the problem because we all have baggage. Mark and I have referred to this talk several times since we heard him. Here is his four points.

First, bring your bags. Adam, and Eve were not aware. 

“The Lord God called to the man and said, “Where are you?” The man said, “I heard you walking in the garden, and I was afraid. I was naked, so I hid.” God said to the man, “Who told you that you were naked? Did you eat fruit from that special tree? I told you not to eat from that tree!””

Genesis 3:9-11 ERV

Think about that. Why did God have to point out that they were naked? That is the most obvious thing about us is whether we have clothes on or not. But I can honestly say there a lot of people I know that have no clue, whatsoever, that they came with baggage into their marriage. Their spouse may have baggage but not them...no way. Great marriages are two people who are self-aware. Keenly, self aware. They know what are their strengths and what are their weakness. They know how they are different from their spouse. Not a vague realization but a clear understanding of their difference and an appreciation of the fact that this is a good thing. 

Secondly, unpack your bags. When Samuel told Saul that he would be Israel’s first king, listen to Saul reaction.

“Then they asked the Lord, “Has Saul come here yet?” The Lord said, “Saul is hiding behind the supplies.””

1 Samuel 10:22 ERV

Saul was a head taller than anyone but he hid behind the baggage. Mark and I talked a lot after returning home about what was the baggage that we brought into our marriage 40 years ago. We had to get anything out in the open and not try to hide behind it and make excuses for them.

After we do this, we needed to sort through our baggage. Sort through our stuff and identify whose stuff is whose. When we come home from a trip, we always have to unpack our bags and just pick which things are ours. How foolish it would be to not claim any of the clothes just because we are too lazy to wash our things. But there are a lot of people who are just that unmotivated. They do not want to go to the trouble of dealing with their baggage. It is hard to deal with our faults. It much easier to blame everything on the other person and let them deal with it. 

Last step is to put away your stuff. If we came home from a trip and I washed all the stuff and put them in the middle of the floor until the next trip...not a good plan. Same thing with the baggage in our marriage, laying out everywhere. Sort it and talk about it and then put it up. It is much easier to deal with the individual item when it comes up again because it will, and you already know how to find it. 

Mark and I LOVED getting a lot of things out in the open. No matter how big or small your baggage was in your past, don’t leave it packed up. It will be smelly and wrinkled and gross if you leave it packed up and hidden in a suitcase. You are not fooling anyone, especially the love of your life.