Meditations

When you haven't blogged in awhile, then every time you sit down to blog you begin to second guess yourself. You doubt if the blog you are about to write is worthy of anyone reading it. I decided to get past this thought and just write about stuff.
This morning I was working on my Beth Moore Bible study, Stepping Up. This is a study of fifteen books in the book of Psalms. My mind was wandering, as it often does when I have two minutes of free time. I was imagining what I would speak about if I were a famous Bible study teacher like Beth Moore. I decided that I would want all of the vast listeners(I said I was going to be a famous speaker!) to know all of my weakness right up front. I would need them to know of my imperfections, right off the bat.
We all tend to glamorize public speakers and think that they are super Christians. We imagine that they do not struggle as we do. We think that they do not have a weight problem or a jealousy problem or a gossip problem or whatever. The fact that Beth Moore asks us to lie face down and pray everyday that we are completing her Bible study makes me feel inferior to her as far as my prayer life. I do not lie face down ever when I pray and so I must not have the powerful prayer life that she does. I do not even have hours to study the Bible and pour over every principal that I would like to ponder over. I am busy every second of every day. I am way over committed and do not seem to have any margins in my life.
I say all this to make a point. God is so marvelous, oh so marvelous! He takes my weaknesses and weirdness and uses them to bring glory to His name. I really am going to name some of my many weaknesses.
1) I am so prideful and arrogant. I always think I am right...always.
2) I am jealous of all the people that seem to have free time.
3) I do not have compassion. Teaching 8th grade for so long seems to drive the compassion out. I want them to tell me the "short" version of their story about why they do not have their homework again.
4) I am judgemental. I would have been a Pharisee. I love rules!
5) I am black and white, no gray areas.
That being said, I wonder why I have any friends at all. If I do have a friend it is because of this marvelous God I am in love with. Listen to what He does.
When I grow closer to God and really abide with him daily, he reveals my horrible weaknesses. In John 16:15 Jesus said, "you justify yourself in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight." I DO NOT want to be detested by God!
He gives me a new perspective on "free time." He takes away the jealousy and reveals to me that my life is all about giving away my time, my money, my energy. Try to die broke, all used up, no regrets, etc. I won't be at my death bed thinking that I wished I had been blessed with more free time, more money to remodel, more expensive trips. Instead I would be wishing that I would have invested more in eternal things that involved giving my money away, giving my time away, and giving my heart away.
As far as the judgemental side of me, he changes my perspective and constantly reveals my wretchedness, my need for a Saviour. He shows me that I am comparing myself to others, instead of to His holy nature! That slaps me in the face and gets me kicked off the pedestal really quick.
One more thing I realize about myself. In John, chapter 1, Philip ran to find his brother, Nathaniel. He tells him that he has found the Messiah! Nathaniel answers him with this arrogant statement, "Can anything good come from Nazareth?" Nathaniel answered the same way I would have. He thinks that Philip could not possibly be right. Thank goodness the story continues. Philip humbly answers,"Just come and see for yourself." Nathaniel comes face to face with the Saviour, the Messiah, the Son of God and gets knocked off his pedestal. God, keep knocking me down to my knees. I am going to miss so much of the goodness of life if I think I know it all.