Dealing with Hurts

““Why do you notice the small piece of dust that is in your friend’s eye, but you don’t notice the big piece of wood that is in your own? Why do you say to your friend, ‘Let me take that piece of dust out of your eye’? Look at yourself first! You still have that big piece of wood in your own eye. You are a hypocrite! First, take the wood out of your own eye. Then you will see clearly to get the dust out of your friend’s eye.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7:3-5‬ ‭ERV‬‬

I love to read. I love to read books involving spiritual growth. I really like to read devotions. About 50% of them deal, in some way, with people that are struggling with forgiveness. Everyone has been hurt by a family member, boss, friend, co-worker, ...you name it. Sometimes the hurt was small. Sometimes it was a gigantic betrayal.

I've noticed that people deal with hurt in many ways. Many turn to addictions to avoid dealing with the hurt. Food is a popular medicine to use when you are hurt. The enemy tells you that if you eat enough, you will feel better. I've never seen food cure the problem.

Alcohol or drugs have been used to ease the pain. That just causes more problems. Another popular way to ease the pain is entertainment. The enemy tells you that if you look at enough social media, enough tv, enough movies, enough travel to fun places- you will feel better. Nothing wrong with entertainment. However, it is not a substitute for a medicine that you need for a lonely, messed up heart.

I noticed that if you don't deal with it in a healthy way, the bitterness just grows and grows and threatens to destroy your life. I'm not a licensed psychologist but I know this to be true. You have to deal with your own heart and not wait on the other person to deal with theirs. There is nothing you can do to change the other person. You can pray for them but your words or actions can't change them.

While you wait on God to change them, your job is to look for logs in your own life and ask God to change you. I see that in my own life. When I get mad at Mark, the temptation is to point the flashlight on Mark. But that never, ever solves anything. It only makes it worse. And if I don't deal with it with wisdom, it just grows and grows. As soon as possible, I need to ask God to point the flashlight at me, do surgery on me and transform me.

If you are struggling with forgiving someone, even with a small thing, pull the weed out before it chokes you to death. If you are only 1% off in your spiritual life and you don't deal with it now, it will become 99% one day. I know some old people that started out with a lack of forgiveness and they thought that it would not hurt to hold on to it. It's not a pretty sight. Be kind to the old person that you will become.

Loving Your Husbands

““Why do you notice the small piece of dust that is in your friend’s eye, but you don’t notice the big piece of wood that is in your own? Why do you say to your friend, ‘Let me take that piece of dust out of your eye’? Look at yourself first! You still have that big piece of wood in your own eye. You are a hypocrite! First, take the wood out of your own eye. Then you will see clearly to get the dust out of your friend’s eye.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7:3-5‬ ‭ERV‬‬

My sister and I made a vow a few years ago to pray for our husbands every Tuesday morning. This does not mean that I have never prayed for Mark before but I want to be more intentional. I know that it slips off the tip of my tongue to pray for my kids, my job, my ministry, my finances, even my myself. But I think we put our husbands on a pedestal and get disappointed when they are not perfect.

After a long, busy holiday week, I realized I skipped Tuesday prayer for Mark. But the words get stuck in my mouth and my mind...I realize that the enemy always makes my sins look smaller than Mark's. I have an amazing husband but I am always looking for that little piece of dust in his eye! The Bible says that I am a hypocrite. I have a huge log in my eye that I need to deal with.

No matter who you are or who you think you are, you have a log in your eye like me. You know how I know that? Jesus had to die for our wretched sins. Satan tries everyday to convince me that Mark is the problem and not me. In fact, the enemy tries to convince me that Mark and I are in a battle and not us against the enemy.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭6:12‬ ‭NIV‬‬

It is so easy to love Mark and pray for him when I remember that he is a gift to me. When I stand before the throne one day, I know that God will talk with me about how I treated the precious gift that He gave me. What a waste of my breath when I try to stammer and explain that Mark was not always perfect and that he did not always make me happy.

I thought about this yesterday and realized that if my goal is to be more Christlike, I should take the towel from my waist and love like Jesus.

“so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciplesʼ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.”
‭‭John‬ ‭13:4-5‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I forget sometimes that Jesus did not feel like washing feet. He probably wanted to sit down and be served. But for the joy that was ahead, He loved the 12 men that God gifted him with, even one who would betray Him. He loved by putting His own desires in last place. That is a model to how the Lord wants me to love Mark. I need to remember that there will be a conversation one day and I want the Lord to say, "Well done with loving Mark."

Making Marriage a Priority

I spoke to a group of young women last week about making marriage a priority. I decided that other women may want to hear what I said. By no means am I am expert! I just spoke what I feel like God led me to say. This is the "edited" version. Safe for all viewers:)
Making our marriage a priority means it comes before all other relationships in our life. I think we all have to come to grips with the battle we are in against the enemy. We cannot afford to take this lightly. The older I get, the more I realize that the verse "he comes to kill, steal and destroy, " is for real. He really means that. The enemy wants to destroy your marriage, steal the joy you can find in marriage, kill the love you have for each other. He is crafty. He will pick the very things that will accomplish his plan. The thing that will drive you the craziest. Because when he destroys your marriage, he harms your children, your testimony, your faith. This was the first relationship that God established...before children, before jobs, before church ministry.

Before we go any further, understand that marriage is not just a sweet little thing about sex, date nights, love notes, making you happy. It is a relationship that defines you, sanctifies you, bring glory to God's name. How can we fight for this marriage? Read first Corinthians chapter 13 if you don't know how to love. Love is not defined by how that person makes you feel. When God says he loves you, you don't bring a thing to the table, not your talents, your looks, your wisdom. He simply "loves." By the way, God does not give a rip about your happiness...do you know that? He cares about your holiness. When the Bible says that "Jesus lives to intercede for us." It means that in heaven, right now, he is discussing you and what it will take in your life to make you more holy, more like him. And that will never be accomplished by "no suffering" life. My favorite phrase is "suffering makes you grow up."

Thinking about marriage in this way brings a whole new dimension to things. When our husbands don't meet our needs, when our husbands offend us, when our husbands sin...how we react to this is the issue,  not the thing our husbands did to us. Find that in the Bible that says where that says "when a person makes you mad enough times, sins enough times, disappoints you enough times, that it is okay to be done? When you have been married 30,40 even 50 years...what our husbands become will be a reflection of OUR prayer life. If we complain about our husbands for 30 years, nothing much may change. But find a woman who prays fervently for our husbands for 30 years, wow!

So down to the practical issues. How can we love our husbands in their language? I think arguably, our husbands greatest need will be physical need of sex. We can't program them to think like we do. Just because we get wrapped up in kids, jobs, and life and we are not interested in sex for long periods does not change the fact that our husbands did not lose interest. They are not made that way. After 36 years, my husband still seems way too interested:). In fact, one reason he may say that he loves me is that he realizes that what HE needs is more important to me than what I need. After years of marriage, I have to continually lay down my happiness and put Mark's happiness before mine. At the time I am writing this, I am mad at Mark. So I have two choices. I can nurse this anger and feel justified in it. I can tell God that I am mad about this thing and see if I can get God to "side" with me:). Ha. I already know what God will say about this. His word is full of his answers of grace, mercy, unconditional love. I know what you night be thinking here. What if he does not serve me back. Guess what...If I serve Mark and forgive Mark without Mark reciprocating, ...guess what, God noticed. 

Last time I checked, the world is still advertising a lot of explicit sexual activity, the wrong way to look at women, lies about women's value. So I want to be the safe place for Mark to have his needs met. Different things work in different relationships in different season. The single most important thing I do is to look as attractive as possible for Mark, not for the world. I am not advertising to other men. You have to ask yourself this question when you walk out the door. Who am I am advertising for today with this outfit? When mark walks in the door, I am thinking about what mark would like to see. He has thanked me a million times for advertising. 

Mistakes I have made are becoming very overweight. Mark still loved me. But he really appreciates that I try harder now.  You know why...I want to be the girl he wants to come home to each night. Our husbands are visual. I want to be his vision.  Every time I tell you things that I do right, I can name ten things I do wrong. I get too busy with other things and do not want to hear his stories. Are you too busy with kids or jobs and you don't want to hear his story? One day you could regret that. 

Things that we do right may be making friendship bread and dancing when we put it in the oven, serving together in ministry, riding bikes together, dancing at end of rented movies together. Traditions is the key word. We could get some security when the world was falling apart but we knew we had a tradition with each other.

The single most used list of things to tell Mark when I want to be loving, but not not feel like it. He does not know this list exists.

http://momlifetoday.com/2013/03/62-things-to-say-to-make-your-husband-feel-great/


Draw a line in the sand and say,"I will put my husband before my kids, my job, my ministry, etc." If you don't decide that today, your marriage will be different in twenty years, when your kids move out and live in California, your job has changed, your ministry may have changed directions.  If you make a commitment to your marriage,  in twenty years you will have a vibrant, growing marriage that has withstood a lot of storms together. Your love for each other will have grown deeper and you will be married to the love of your life!